Letting go of the Past and moving on.

Whew.  How do I even begin to write about this topic?  There are so many reasons that this is at the fore front of my mind lately.

I feel God calling me to do this.  But I don't have a clue how to do it.  Have you all heard this song?

Tenth Avenue North "Loosing"

Part of the Lyrics that are really speaking to me are: "Father give me the Grace to forgive them, because I feel like the one who is losing."

Yes.  Exactly.  And I don't like to lose.  I don't like to feel walked on, or used, or taken advantage of.  And to be quite honest, forgiveness sometimes feels like permission to be used like a doormat.  Turning the other cheek is probably the most vulnerable thing to do to someone who has hurt you. 

The bridge in this song is:

"Well it's only the dead that can live

But still I wrestle with this

To lose the pain that's mine

Seventy times seven times

'Cause Lord it doesn't feel right

For me to turn a blind eye

Though I guess it's not that much

When I think of what You've done."

And yet, it is the only way to be free of the anger and bitterness of the hurt.  It really is so unfair, because the one is hurt, is the one who has to do all the work, at least when it comes to forgiveness.  UGH.    

And the idea of having to forgive multiple times, that is just too much to ask for God.  Once; okay.  Maybe they just got caught in the wrong place at the wrong time.  Maybe they didn't know any better, maybe they just fell into temptation. BUT a second time????  When someone hurts you again the same exact way a second time.  How do you forgive that???  It's like they don't even care, so why should I care? And yet you call us to even more than that.

Then there is that terrible terrible line in the whole song.  "I guess it's not that much when I think of what you've done."  There you go again God, loving us perfectly.  Forgiving us perfectly.  Its just really hard for us.  And yet, it is the only way to freedom.  The only way to finding true happiness again.  To just let go.  You can't change the past.  Yeah yeah yeah, bla bla bla.  I really just hate it.

Speaking of Hate, can we just try that for a minute?  How else am I supposed to hold over this person's head, and make sure they understand the level of their offense??  How else am I supposed to make sure that they understand how big of a deal this was?  How else am I supposed to make sure they know they haven't made up for what they did yet???  Hatred and being mean, is actually pretty effective at that, you know?  Can't I just be angry and mean and hate for just a little longer???  It hasn't been that long after all.

Don't answer that God.  I get it.  I just know that I cannot forgive this person on my own.  I really am going to need all the grace you can spare to get this job done.  And then after I have forgiven this person, I am going to need a steady stream of grace to not change my mind, and UN FORGIVE them.  

Could I just get an IV of grace from you???